Other stuff (aka 'safer spaces policy')

 

If you’d call yourself a member of the queer/LGBTQIA* community, carry straight on. It’s pretty much business as usual. If that’s not you, there’s probably going to be some aspects of our wedding which will be a bit odd and new to you, so this is our best effort at a handy guide.

 

We have a lot of genderqueer or gender-nonconforming guests. Genderqueer means that people aren’t male or female but somewhere between neither, both and something else entirely. Gender-nonconforming means people who don’t necessarily conform to gender norms, and/or whose semiotic signifiers (clothes, makeup, hair, body language) don’t necessarily match the gender you might have assigned them. (And let us take this opportunity to say we positively encourage gender-nonconformity at our wedding. If you’re a girl and you want to wear a suit, or a boy and you want to wear a dress, go for it. And if at least half the attendees, of all genders, are not wearing eyeliner then the bride will cry.)

 

The only reason why we’re flagging this up now is that experience shows that many people, especially people from outside London, haven’t really encountered many gender variant people, or the concept thereof, before. We get that, but people will be legitimately upset if you assume they’re a boy/girl/man/woman when they’re not, or refer to them as such, or use the wrong pronouns for them, and we want to keep this kind of upset to a minimum.

 

Genderqueer people tend to use ‘they’ pronouns, as in ‘Where is x?’ ‘Oh, they’re over there.’ Just refer to them as you would any person whose gender you don’t know. ‘Somebody’s left their phone here!’ ‘Oh no, I hope they’re okay.’ Many of the cis people attending are happy to be referred to with ‘they’ pronouns as well, so it’s fine to use ‘they’ to refer to someone if you’re not sure. Here’s some further reading on this from the excellent CN Lester.

 

Our genderqueer guests are all lovely people (hence their presence) and are likely to be understanding if you’ve never used they as a pronoun before and slip up, but by the same token they really shouldn’t have to be dealing with constant upset on a happy day, so please, if you’ve been told once, try to get it right. The standard Transpose ‘Don’t be a Dick’ rules will apply, which means that if you misgender somebody when you should have known better, you are expected to buy them a drink. Which is a good way of getting to know somebody, so everybody wins.

 

If somebody comes out to you as trans, or you suspect that they are, it’s not a good idea to try and talk to them about it unless they actively introduce the subject with you. Don’t ask about anyone’s body, genitalia or surgery. (This does happen, and we do not want it to happen at our wedding!) It is also not a good idea to strike up a conversation about trans people in the media or films – the Danish Girl, Transparent, Caitlyn Jenner, Kelly Maloney. All bullshit. Here are a few articles that indicate why.

 

You might do better with Orange is the New Black – many queers are fans – but even that’s controversial. If someone’s trans, it doesn’t matter. Don’t think about it. Just talk to them like you would anyone else, about how you know us, how rainy/glorious Sheffield is, how cute we are, how awesome our outfits are, what your hobbies/creative activities/secret passions/life ambitions/zombie apocalypse survival plans/world domination strategies are. Everyone is people, and you’re all our favourite people to boot, so enjoy.

 

For reference, we also have plenty of guests who are happy to be identified as the gender they were assigned at birth, like the bride and groom, and they’re referred to as ‘cis people’. We are going to de-gender the toilets in our space, although there are only individual toilets as it is so that basically means replacing 'male' and 'female' signs with signs that say 'people'. If you find this troubling in any way there will be standard gendered toilets in the other half of the venue, the Picturehouse café bar, which you are welcome to use.

 

The venue is wheelchair accessible, and we will try and create a quiet space for people who find busy spaces overwhelming or just need somewhere to sit quietly for a bit.

 

Important note: Anyone found complaining about all this, making gendered assumptions about what women and men are like, being nasty about trans or gender-variant people, or using the phrase ‘political correctness…’ will be thrown out on the street. Just because someone’s genderqueer doesn’t mean they can’t kick your ass.

 

So, to recap:

 

1) Many of our guests aren’t male or female, and those that are might be mixing it up a bit.

2) Lots of our guests use ‘they’ pronouns instead of ‘he’ and ‘she’. Go with this!

3) Everyone we’ve invited is someone we think is great, so just treat everyone like nice people and it will all be fine.